Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
This house was built for laser tag.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
