She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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