Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
