Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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