So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
