ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
