got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
