One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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