So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
