I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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