i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
