i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
