it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
