That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
