TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
