I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
