i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
