he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
