benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
All the doctor said was why
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
