We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
