remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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