I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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