he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
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