On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
