Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
