were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
