the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
