How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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