genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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