I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Enjoy the penises
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
