I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
