my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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