wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
