Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
