Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I have post one night stand depression
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