Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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