She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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