Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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