I want to walk on stilts...naked
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
