I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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