Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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