when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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