when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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