why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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