dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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