Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
