I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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