I'm laying in your front yard are you home
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
