Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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