All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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